


Giving up

by awed_frog



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s10e20 Angel Heart, M/M, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-26 12:53:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3851680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awed_frog/pseuds/awed_frog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not sure if this is allowed on AO3, but, well, I'm drowning here. Nobody around me seems to get why this matters so much. But it does, doesn't it?</p><p>Comments very welcome.</p><p>Please let me know if I'm breaking the rules so I can take this down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I don’t know anyone. I got into the _Supernatural_ fandom by accident, because I study mythology and the ancient world and I was interested in how the ‘ineffable’ was portrayed in modern media. 

_Ineffable: too great or extreme to be expressed or described in words; not to be uttered._

There is this Greek writer, Herodotus, an amazing man. If you haven’t read his books, you should. He writes about mummies and crazy kings and cursed rings. Modern, in many ways. Very curious, very rational. A superb storyteller, even though, strictly speaking, he was a historian. Anyway, Herodotus traveled all over the Mediterranean trying to answer one question: where are the gods? Has someone actually seen them? And nobody he spoke to knew anything. ‘The gods are long gone’, they all said. Until Herodotus came to Egypt, and he was shown the sacred records detailing divine activity on earth. And, yes, the records said no god had been seen in Egypt for a thousand years, but Herodotus didn’t leave empty-handed. He witnessed something there; experienced the divine. And he wouldn’t say what, exactly. ‘Of such things, we will not speak. They are ineffable,’ he wrote - which is pretty frustrating for us, but, I guess, if you _saw_ something - angels, demons, God - it wouldn’t be easy, it wouldn’t feel _right_ , to babble about it. 

Anyway, that’s why I started watching _Supernatural_. I liked the first three seasons, but it was Castiel who made me fall in love. Here was an otherworldy character which had been done exactly right - threatening, eerie, BAMF, and yet oddly vulnerable and completely alien. Good writing, and near perfection from Misha Collins. Hats off, gentlemen. And at that point, I was still just me - a nerdy student interested in the divine, movies which got it wrong ( _Troy_ \- nice battle scenes, though) and movies which got it right ( _Dogma_ had an interesting, unique perspective).

But then I started noticing things. Was Castiel staring at Dean... _that_ way? Was Dean staring _back_? I rubbed my eyes. It was just me, surely.

Life got in the way, and I forgot _Supernatural_ , forgot the whole thing. I came back to it thanks to the fandom (CW, you should really be more grateful), thanks to those ‘We have a gif for everything’ posts. By then, ‘Destiel’ seemed to be a popular concept. I had to look it up because I had no idea what that meant. So I read about it, and then I started where I left off, the beginning of Season 6. And after two episodes, I decided to go back and watch the whole thing from the beginning again, because it was _that_ good. Also, I wanted to look at Dean (and Castiel) again, because apparently it wasn’t just me.

So, yes, I was no longer a student alone in a room - without meaning to, I had become a ‘Destiel shipper’, discovered there were thousands of people like me, who were seeing what I was seeing, and they were blogging and writing and giffing about it. They were drawing fanart and editing heart-wrenching videos.

For a while, it felt good. It’s always good to belong somewhere, isn’t it?

Because, well, by that point I had my Master’s degree. I was still interested in the ‘ineffable’, of course - it is a rare skill to pin down so well someone who’s totally alien, a being which we, as humans, have never seen, can barely conceive of (in that same period, I binge-read _Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell_ , and the thistle-haired gentleman became my new obsession).

However, I was more interested, in that period of my life, in another kind of ‘ineffable’: anything that wasn’t heterosexuality. The deviation from ‘the norm’. Homosexuality, bisexuality - how is it even possible to define what we love? Isn’t it weird how we need labels for everything? What is a girl who had a crush on another girl only once? What is a married woman who doesn’t feel attracted to her husband, or anyone else? Why do so many men experiment with other men and reject the ‘gay’ and ‘bi’ labels for themselves?

Sexuality is fluid, and the need to define it and control it a cultural construct. I’d studied ancient Greek for seven years; I knew that much. Ancient Athens was a city where men were encouraged to fool around with boys, and yet homosexuality ( _ie_ , penetrative sex between two men) was a crime punishable by death. In the Greek department, anything had seemed normal, pretty much. I had been reading about Alexander and Hephaestion in the morning; about a guy turning into a donkey and having sex with women in the afternoon. Queens were laying eggs. Goddesses were having sex with men, and those men lost their sight - because _Supernatural_ got that part right. The divine cannot be looked upon without consequences. As soon as I stepped out of it, though, I realized that, actually, no. ‘Deviation’ from the Stepford family model was still perceived as dangerous, immoral. People were suffering; gay people around the world were executed or emprisoned for being gay; gay teenagers in the West were taking their own lives. Hell, teenagers _suspected of being gay_ were taking their own lives. I had been aware of this before, but at that moment in my life it became the core issue I was interested in. Do we accept that consenting adults can do whatever they want with each other? Do we accept that people can _love_ , deeply, madly, passionately, the ‘wrong’ person? I saw this, still see this, as a line in the sand separating civilisation from barbarity.

And about Destiel - sorry it took me so long to get here. Since nobody is going to read this, I’m taking my time. About Destiel, then - it became - it became a _symbol_ for everything I wanted fixed in the world. A love story blossoming between two improbable characters. Something completely different from the usual black and white BS one sees in series and movies. It was moving, a joy to watch, the way these two characters were finding each other, despite all obstacles in their paths - despite this show being a horror comedy on the CW.

Also, it was undeniable. It wasn’t friendship. I don’t know how anyone can perceive what’s going on between Dean and Cas as friendship. I saw the same thing happening in _Sherlock_ , had fights with friends about it. I remember scoffing at someone in exasperation that straight men don’t look at each other’s lips when they’re talking. They just don’t. That’s Sexual Attraction 101.

Anyway, there is no need to make a list of reasons. You’re here, so you know all about it. Or, more to the point, I am talking to myself, so I know all about it.

But the thing is, I called this post ‘Giving up’ because I am giving up. On Dean and Cas, I mean. When the whole queerbaiting Twitterstorm came down, I was still hoping against hope those people had been wrong. I was hoping that the romance dialogue and the longing looks were actual things, part of the plot, and not just a cheap trick to keep people watching and making _gifs_ and bringing more people to the show.

I now think I was wrong.

The episodes we’ve had since the Twitterstorm - I read many metas about them. There’s so many people on _tumblr_ who are really talented. I read metas turning dialogues and photography and clothing choices inside out, trying to prove that Destiel was still there - was the endgame, many said. These were clever analyses, they really were. I tried to hold on to them. But I saw _Angel Heart_ this morning (written by Robbie Thompson, no less). And I now think they were wrong.

I love Castiel, I love Dean, I love what they had between them, and I still love ‘ineffable’ things. But I don’t see it - them - anymore. Jensen and Misha are not playing it like that anymore. Cas has been studiously paired with Sam, not Dean. And Cas’ character arc is coming to an end. He’s now amended for his sins, such as they were, by making sure Claire will be safe, her parents in Heaven. I think he’ll perform a last duty as ‘Winchesters guardian’ by saving Dean, and then he’ll die. Rowena’s threats to Crowley are a red herring if I ever saw one.

And even if I’m wrong, even if Cas survives the season finale- 

Fact is, we can learn more from Sherlock than from Dean. The truth is very often the less complicated thing we see. It’s right in front of us. ‘Cock-up before conspiracy,’ as Sir Bernard Ingham said. Because there is no conspiracy here, no endgame. Just a bunch of creative people playing around with characters. For money - let’s not forget that. I do not wish to cheapen this, at all, because I admire their work, but we have to be aware of this: the show must sell. These are not crazy performance artists living on the streets. Their job is to keep people watching. People watching means ads, and ads means money, and money means another episode - another season.

So the truth is, in my opinion, exactly what we saw happening right in front of us.

Some of the time, the relationship between Dean and Castiel was constructed as a romance. Because some of the writers imagined it that way; because Jensen and Misha have awesome chemistry; because someone made a deliberate choice to diversify target audience; because it was a way to avoid introducing other characters and upending the balance; or just because. In any case, someone thought it would be a good idea. But then, increasingly, people got upset. A discussion followed. Decisions were made. The whole thing was called off. Why risk upsetting thousands of traditional-minded viewers who’ve been there from day one for some ‘honest fun’? Why take a stand on such a controversial subject? Surely, even the most devoted Destiel shipper must realize that Dean and Cas making out on screen would create a lot of trouble. This is not an experimental French movie. It’s an American TV show. And I don’t dislike the US (much) but let’s remember what we are talking about here.

A few years ago, a woman who believed in witches was on the shortlist to become the next president. Many children are taught that Jesus created dinosaurs; that God created this planet in six days (and these are not hidden, sectarian schools; this happens in the open; this is _legal_ ). Teenagers are encouraged to wear Abstinence rings. The US has changed so much, in fact, that believing in God (and if at all possible in the _Old Testament_ version) is a prerequisite for anyone wishing for a career in politics. This is a new phenomenon. It started with George W. Bush - it was a deliberate political strategy, and got out of hand. It caused a lot of damage, and it will probably turn even uglier, because people are funny that way.

So, well, a CW show - a family show - telling the story of two men falling in love, implying, in fact, that someone can ‘become gay’ (so many people are not seeing that Dean is actually bi, because, admittedly, the hints are so subtle they’re very easy to miss) - that someone can be ‘turned gay’, even - and not by your average good-for-nothing Communist, but by an _angel of the Lord_? Right. If you don’t think that would create huge waves - and the presidential race is on, don’t forget - you don’t read enough newspapers.

So, well.

I guess the CW still gets what it wants, because, unless Cas becomes a woman or the writers are replaced by badly trained monkeys, I will keep watching it. But the spark, for me, is gone. I don’t think Dean and Cas will get their happy ending. I give up.

And since I am talking to invisible people, I will talk, now, directly to everyone involved with _Supernatural_ \- producers, writers, editors, actors, supporting staff.

Please - prove me wrong.

I am not saying, _Change the plot to give me something I want_. Never that. I am saying, _Stay true to the story you want to tell. And be aware you’re not telling your story in a void_. The world is going through something momentous right now, a defining moment of some kind. I watch your show because it’s good and because I don’t want to go out drinking on a Wednesday, but I also watch your show because everything is turning dark and sinister. Because we’ve never seen so many refugees since World War 2. Because Syria has been destroyed, and we have done nothing to stop it. Because Yemen and Ukraine are about to blow up, and those explosions will scorch our own borders. Because our cities can be attacked with near impunity, our journalists killed, our citizens threatened and silenced. Because in so many countries around the world, women and girls are raped, mutilated, killed, sold into slavery and forgotten. Because young boys are forced to cut off their parent’s heads and become soldiers. Because we are on the brink of a disaster and nobody seems to know what to do. Because we need to remember what is good in this world, as Sam would say, if we’re going to make it to the other side.

And that’s why it’s intolerable, for me, to think that perhaps you came so close to this line, this ‘ineffable’ line, just to have fun, or for marketing reasons.

It’s 2015, but our Apocalypse, in our world, has not been averted yet. We are all Dean, out here. We feel guilty about people we cannot save, we survive in a life we have not chosen, we do our best to keep our families safe. And we don’t think we deserve to be saved. We don’t think we deserve to be loved. We don’t think we can be ourselves, express our feelings, have something we truly want for a change - _act_ instead of _react_ to whatever monster life is throwing at us next.

So, if you think we can still save the world, and ourselves - be more compassionate, more loving, more tolerant of each other’s quirks and weirdness - please let Castiel rebel for us; learn about us. And love us. Because we’re family. We need him. _I_ need him.


	2. <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just...thanks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for Charlie, and for Cas. In my heart, you will always be what you were created to be - brave, BAMF and smart.
> 
> Also, this is for Mary Shelley. Mary, don't worry: we know your Victor had nothing to do with Wall Street and eugenics.
> 
> So, well, dear _Supernatural_ people - sadly you have the right to be as misogynous and homophobic as you wish; and you also have the right kill whomever you want. You are not, however, entitled to shoddy plot and bad writing. Shame on you.

_It’s what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it._ \- Oscar Wilde

 

Dear all,

it’s been a long day - a long week - and I am finally taking the time to sit down, fret about _Dark Dynasty_ and try to decide what to write next. I am not sure I should write anything at all, actually, because my heart feels empty and brimming over at the same time and it’s a difficult feeling to put it into words, but still - there are some things I really want to say. And since I have this notion this is going to turn into a novel, and probably a boring one at that, I’ll say the one important thing first.

Here it is: _thank you_. 

I felt really sad and dejected when I wrote _Giving up_ , and I am grateful and moved by the fact that so many people read it, took the time to leave kudos and comments. It really meant a lot to me to know that I wasn’t alone. So thank you, again, to all of you. 

And also: my email address is now public. If you want to drop me a private line, if you want to chat about Destiel or about anything else, and particularly if you are blue or overwhelmed, please write. Because this Destiel issue touches something deep inside me, but I know that for many of you out there it is much more personal. For many of you it’s not always easy (or legal) to be yourself. So if you need someone to talk to, well, I am here. I truly mean it.

I think the main reason I am so happy and so relieved by your response to _Giving up_ is the fact that - well. Most of my friends seem to be proper grown-ups. We were the same, perhaps, as kids, but at some point they got serious, and they now have houses and 9 to 5 jobs and they remember to buy batteries before they run out. They have spare light bulbs, and they probably keep them in a neat little drawer. Meanwhile, I still read YA novels, I try to work out how big dragons’ wings should be to carry their weight and I lose a lot of time deciding which superpower I would pick. So, well, whenever a series or a movie or a book make me sad, I already know I can’t talk to them, not really, because they’d just look at me in exasperation. 

“If it upsets you, if you don’t like where the story is going, why don’t you watch something else? And why do you care so much, anyway? It’s _fiction_! ”

I remember how it was to live before the internet, and therefore I still have this default setting in my brain -I mostly assume that everyone out there is an old man pretending to be a 12-year old girl, or, you know, a dog. Hopefully a husky (I have a thing for different-coloured eyes). So, well, thank you all, again, for reminding me that in fact, there are many interesting, decent people on the internet. Because if it’s true I slipped into the fandom without even realizing it, I sure feel lucky that I did.

Some people say we care too much, and apparently we shouldn’t, because, well, ‘it’s just fiction’. But they forget that our most important trait (our only saving grace, sometimes I feel), is how _much_ we can actually care. Animals can love, I am convinced of that; arguably, though, we can love more _deeply_ and more _widely_ than animals can because we can imagine what it’d be like to be someone else. There are situations where it’s ‘easy’ to care, because we’ve all been there (our crush ignoring us); and there are situations so extreme they touch our very core, and our hearts react instinctively (a mother losing her child; a man being tortured to death). But in between these two extremes, the endearingly mundane and the overwhelmingly tragic - therein lies the real challenge. _Can_ I be sympathetic towards the drug addicts, the battered women who won’t leave their partners, the Chinese family next door, that classmate who is quite possibly gay? _Sympathein_ is a Greek verb which means ‘to suffer with’ (you can see the Christ’s passion in there), and in order to be willing to suffer with someone, you need to understand how and why that person is hurting. If I’m not gay, and Caucasian, if I’ve never been beaten and never taken drugs, it’s quite easy to remain within the confines of my own mind and dismiss everything else (‘Nobody has it easy; they just need to toughen up’). What helps to overcome these artificial borders is living someone else’s life - which is what happens when we read books, or watch a movie. I’ll never forget how an annoying classmate grew quiet, then tense, and finally stared at the black screen, long after _Brokeback Mountain_ ’s credits had disappeared, before saying, his voice a bit shaky, _I never thought they loved just like us_. He now supports gay marriage. So fiction _is_ important, and we _should_ care.

Other people say what we do is disrespectful. That fandoms go too far when they create their own interpretation of things. But they forget that a creative process goes two ways. Writers write it so that readers can read it, and when readers read it, they recreate it. No story is completely new. All stories are, in the end, the same story - how not to be scared of death, how to survive falling in love, how to give our lives meaning. Starting with the oldest books, all literature is basically fanfiction, and audiences have always been deeply involved in the end result. In Greece, people once booed the playwright (lovely, lovely Euripides) and walked out because they thought his Phaedra was out of character. Euripides had to rewrite the whole thing to avoid getting lynched. Not that OOC is _necessarily_ a bad thing, but there is a difference - as readers, we enter into a contract with the writer - we agree to trust him and suspend our disbelief. If the story is coherent, then anything goes. When Sophocles rewrote Oedipus as a thinly veiled parody of a famous politician (charming psychopath Alcibiades), nobody batted an eyelid, because the story was well written, powerful. Coherent. Some people say Destiel shippers are aggressive and insane, but many shippers out there are clearly saying, _I just want the story to be good - if Destiel is not canon, I can live with that - but if you ruin the story just to_ stop _Destiel from being canon, then our agreement is broken_. This doesn’t sound like insanity to me. It sounds like our job as readers.

Yet other people say we are obsessive. We focus on every stupid little thing, we write whole chapters of _meta_ over a change of clothes, we are ready to question every tiny detail, from the sauce on the burgers to the paintings on the walls. But I think _this_ , right here, is the most redeeming quality of any fandom, and yet we never stress its importance at all. The thing is, we are bred to be passive users. Many parents grow tired of answering questions. Many teachers stick to their textbooks. The result is that, as grown-ups, we never think to question anything, and when we actually notice we don’t understand, we’re too ashamed to admit it, or we just don’t care anymore. Which is borderline dangerous, because nothing is ever what it seems. In every conversation, every book, every ad, what is left _unsaid_ is just as important as what _is_ said. What I liked the most about studying Latin was being taught how to analyze what I was reading. ‘Never trust anybody,’ my teacher would say. ‘Always ask yourself _why_. _Why_ is he writing this? What does he have to _gain_? Look at his friends, his allies, his enemies,’ he’d add. Of course, this is not a universal rule. It’s undeniable that sometimes there is no answer; that sometimes, as even Freud would admit, ‘a cigar is just a cigar’. For instance, we may never know, and it could easily not matter, why Dean touched Cas’ shoulder in _Angel Heart_. But this reflex many learned in a fandom, this immediate, spontaneous _why_ , is a good reflex to have. Consider, say, what’s going on with ISIS. Every day we are shown proof of the atrocities they’re committing. We see these horrors every day, everywhere - which is good, because ISIS _is_ committing atrocities and we _do_ need to know. But what is (mostly) left unsaid here? Why push so strongly for an emotional response? Well, for the usual reason: so that we’re angry, shocked and saddened enough not to ask other questions. Like, _Who’s funding them?_ (apparently, Saudi Arabia, which means us: the EU is their most important arm supplier). Or, _Should we really support their enemies?_ (this ‘enemy of my enemy’ thing led Reagan to encourage the Mujahideen in Afghanistan, with disastrous consequences). Or, _Is what they’re doing really unprecedented and inhuman?_ (sadly, no and no - most countries, including all of today’s big democracies, did horrific things now and then). This last question is uncomfortable but fundamental, because if we decide that these people are not human then we can deny them human rights. And I know we all want to do that, precisely because we are unbearably angry, shocked and saddened by their actions, but this is something we should decide with our brains, not our hearts. Which is very, very hard to do. So what I see when I look at fandoms is not a bunch of obsessive people (well, maybe a little bit), but an entire generation who is been taught how to ask the right questions and how to see through the looking glass. Movie students are explaining how to interpret the changes in camera angles and writing whole essays on the use of soundtrack and lighting. Literature majors are pointing out how plot-building techniques work, and why some words are meaningful and others aren’t. And many, many people are learning that it’s cool to be attentive, to notice things, to work out what they mean. They are learning, or rediscovering, what it means to be an active citizen instead of a passive user, and I have no doubt this knowledge will become part of who they are, will lead them to more meaningful life choices and a more conscious consideration of public issues. Which is why fandoms are not breeding obsessive navel-gazers; they are creating exactly the sort of people we _need_ to make our democracies work, perhaps even people brave enough, and skilled enough, to create democracies where none exist.

And if anyone in your life still scoffs at you that words are just words, and what counts is the message, and therefore we shouldn’t care about that lost _I love you_ or the fact that out of _ten thousand times ten thousand_ angels (John, _Revelation_ ) they chose the _one_ guy who shares a name with Dean’s first love, well, breathe deeply, stand your ground and talk about pentameters. This is how Shakespeare speaks, remember? That sweet, soft lilt, up and down, five accents per line ( _Shall_ I _comp_ a _re thee t_ o _a s_ u _mmer’s d_ a _y?_ ). Chances are that those grown-ups surrounding you and rolling their eyes at you because you read _Supernatural_ transcripts and swoon at _Supernatural_ gifs have forgotten about pentameters, and think they don’t matter, anyway. Which is why they do not know, and do not notice, and do not care, that many people are still using them. Obama, for instance, is a true master. We don’t see them, because they’re hidden inside ten pages of prose, but those pentameters in Obama’s speeches go directly to our brains, and, as recent studies have shown, they light them up like fireworks, an explosion of pink and purple and unpronounceable hormones. Pentameters activate the same areas of the brain as chocolate, sex and cocaine do: _me like, me want_. They are a secret code bypassing your conscious mind and giving direct orders to your lizard brain: _This is important - Remember this - Like this_. Orders you’re not even aware of. Disregarding the fact that wording matters does not make you a grown-up; what it makes you is easier to fool.

So, well, I am not ashamed (not anymore, not by a long stretch) because I care too much about fiction, or because I have strong opinions about it, or because I _like_ to think about it. I do not want to be a user. I want to be a reader. And being a reader is sometimes lonely, so thank you again, thanks everyone, not only those of you who’re reading right now, but all of you out there, people who focus on what they’re watching and take the time to understand it and to recreate it -people who write stories and keep diaries and tumblr and draw fanart, people who dream and still believe in their dreams - you are what is good in the world. And even if this should mean that sometimes you are sad, and you give up, well, so be it. _The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain_.


End file.
